I Ask Ed
by E.Mahiru
Summary: I begin to learn chemistry, and ask Ed for help along the way. See what happens! Most of the time, Ed thinks I'm an idiot May or may not be a oneshot, depends on if I come with anything else. Reviews appreciated. GORGONZOLA
1. Chapter 1

**WARNINGS! DO NOT ASK ME CHEMISTRY QUESTIONS! I AM A BEGINNING CHEMISTRY STUDENT! I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ANSWER YOU! **

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"Ed?" The blond alchemist turned around and raised his eyebrow at the girl staring at him.

"Umm..." She said.

"What?"

"Well, I read that you're supposed to be able to use grape juice as an indicator-you know, to find out if something's an acid or a base?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well...it's not working."

"Why are you using grape juice?"

"The science book said it would work..."

"Just use some litmus paper for crying out loud."

"But you're supposed to be able to use grape juice...but when I put soap in it, it doesn't turn yellow."

"Well,-wait a minute. If you already know it's a base, why are you testing it?"

"For my science homework!"

"Just use some litmus paper then!"

"...Do you have any?"

"Me? No, I don't carry it. Just use grape juice or whatever it is you're using, OK?"

The boy turned back to his own "homework", diving into the alchemy book he'd been so rudely pulled away from moments ago.

"...But it said you could use grape juice...Ed? ...Ed? ...I still have to finish my homework..." Ed ignored her until she wandered from the room.

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**This may or may not be a oneshot. It depends on if inspiration strikes me again anytime soon while I'm doing chemistry.**

**Please R&R! Oh by the way...did it not work because it was frozen concentrated grape juice? Do I need the straight stuff? Or what...I eventually had to go find some litmus paper, which was hiding in the cabinet. Does anybody know? **

**And yes, this is a true story. Well...except for the part about me asking Ed about it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's a really short sequel!! Hope it's funny!**

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"What the heck are you doing?" Ed stared at the blond girl kneeling on the floor.

"Well, you said you didn't have any litmus paper and the grape juice just isn't working, but if acids are supposed to taste sour and bases are supposed to taste bitter, then this should taste bitter, right?" She lifted her head out of the tub of laundry detergent she was munching.

"NO! Or-er, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TASTE STUFF TO TEST IT! YOU'LL GET POISONED, IDIOT!"

"So you're saying I shouldn't be eating this?"

"YES!"

"And what a bout he handsoap in the bathroom?"

"NO! DON'T EAT IT!"

"Too late for that. Isn't Pepsi supposed to have acid in it?"

"Ugh, Pepsi you can drink, OK?"

"But not the drain cleaner under the sink?"

Ed's jaw dropped. "I don't believe it...You're gonna die."

"Now that you mention it, I'm feeling a little green..."


	3. Chapter 3

**I actually wrote this a long time ago, but never typed it up... I wonder why...**

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Ed rubbed his tired eyes and looked up when a short blond girl wandered through the room.

"...35 liters, Carbon 20 kilograms...phosphorous 100 grams..."

Ed's mind clicked. She was listing ingredients for human transmutation!

"OK then, here we go!"

A bright flash of light illuminated the adjacent room and Ed's eyes widened in horror.

"NOOOO!" He dashed into the room as the bright light faded, then stopped at a slightly confusing sight. A gooey skin-tone pudding was staring the carpet as she stared down at it.

"Whoops."

"What the #! are you trying to do! What DID you do?" Ed peered down and sniffed at the glob.

"Well, I just wanted to know what would happen if you used... less than scientific ingredients!"

"What in the world did you use, then?"

"Table salt for the salt and "Lime Away" for the lime. It's that stuff for faucets, remember? Plus some bread and pasta for "carb"on, pneumonia germ sample for ammonia, Peter pan salty peanut butter for the salt peter, a "mole-fur" for "sul"-fur, fluoride mouthwash for fluorine and orange traffic cones for silicon."

**CLUNK!** Ed went away to bang his head on a hard object.

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**Too retarded? I have no idea. Probably, but I'd still appreciate any reviews!**


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